Configure your dog.

Enables full vocalisation. Once activated, cannot be deactivated. We looked into a mute function and concluded that the architecture does not support it. The barking module is a commitment. We think all good things are.

Compatible with dog, dog SE.

Upgrades the standard model’s tail from passive to full wag. The standard dog ships with a stationary tail — present, structurally sound, but unmoving. This upgrade adds the musculature for active wagging. The tail becomes a communication instrument. You will know when the dog is pleased. You will also know when the dog is not. This is what a tail is for.

Compatible with dog only. SE does not have a tail assembly.

Enables object retrieval. The dog identifies a thrown object, moves to the object’s landing position, collects the object in its mouth, and returns the object to the thrower. The pack includes the neural pathways for object tracking, the jaw calibration for carry weight, and the motivation to do it again. The motivation is important. Without it, the dog watches the object land and then looks at you as if you dropped something.

Compatible with dog, dog Pro. SE does not have the mobility for this.

Enables owner recognition behaviours. Without loyalty, the dog is aware that you exist in the same way it is aware that a chair exists. With loyalty, the dog demonstrates recognition when you enter a room. It knows you. It prefers you. It will wait for you. Loyalty is the foundation of companionship and we are aware that charging extra for it raises questions. The questions are fair. The pricing is also fair. We are a small company above a carpet shop in Nuneaton. Loyalty costs what it costs.

Compatible with all models.

Upgrades dog SE from bipedal to quadrupedal. Professional installation recommended. Self-installation documentation is a single page and the diagram has been described as optimistic. The installation requires a working understanding of load-bearing joints, a flat surface, and at least four hours. Dog SE will be patient throughout, in the way that only a dog with no alternative can be patient. We do not offer a video tutorial. We offered to make one. The person who would have made it is the same person who drew the diagram. We have chosen not to expand their responsibilities.

Compatible with dog SE only.

Increases dog SE’s thermal output. In a conventional dog, heat is a by-product of activity. Dog SE does not have an activity profile. This means dog SE runs at approximately ambient room temperature, which is efficient but not what most people mean when they say they want a warm dog. The warmth module adds a low-level metabolic boost that raises dog SE’s surface temperature by approximately 2–3°C above ambient. Dog SE becomes warm to the touch. This is not a technological achievement. This is a small increase in body heat. We are charging £14.99 for it because it works and because you will pay it.

Compatible with dog SE only.

Positive response to verbal affirmation. When you say “good boy,” the dog responds. If the tail wag upgrade is installed, it wags. If the tail wag upgrade is not installed, it offers an extended gaze. The extended gaze is not nothing. The extended gaze is a deliberate, sustained period of eye contact that we have calibrated to convey contentment. It does convey contentment. We tested this. Four out of five people who received the extended gaze reported feeling that the dog was pleased. The fifth person was the developer, who is not emotionally available for testing.

Compatible with all models.

Enables outdoor access. The dog and dog Pro are rated for outdoor use. Dog SE is not. Purchasing an Outdoor Access Pass does not change this. The Outdoor Access Pass is a licence that permits the dog to be taken outside. It does not prepare the dog for what it will find there. We offer it because customers asked for it. We include the disclaimer because we have to. Annual renewal is automatic. We sent the first renewal notice to a customer in Kettering and they replied asking if dog SE was okay in the rain. We replied honestly. They did not renew.

Compatible with dog, dog Pro. SE is not rated for outdoor use and this doesn’t change that.