joel2.com — Projects
A collection of things that should not exist.
Now hosted at this domain because joel.com was taken. Not to be confused with joel.com.
THE NEW DOG
We reimagined the dog from the ground up. Fewer features. Lower cost. Available in three models: dog SE, dog, and dog Pro. The dog SE has two legs. This is a design choice. Four legs are available on dog and dog Pro, or as an optional accessory.
CIGARETTES
The plant-based vaping alternative. No batteries. No coils. No charging. No e-waste. Just dried leaves, paper, and fire. Available from shops since 1880. We did not invent it. We merely put it on a white background in a clean sans-serif typeface and called it innovation.
CRESTBRIDGE PRIVATE
Your family office in Changsha. A real desk. A real ayi. Your name on the door. She is doing something on the computer. No one asks what. Silver, Gold, or Platinum — the fruit gets better and the Solitaire goes pro.
GPT/86
A Turing-complete processor built from an LLM and two API endpoints. Five billion times slower than silicon. It costs $800 to boot Linux and the calculator sometimes returns 404s. Series A at $40M.
THE LAIKA CONSPIRACY
She is still up there. She has had a lot of time to think. She has opinions about the euro. She thinks she may have left the iron on.
NPRP RETREATS
The National Pensioner Relocation Programme. Discover purpose, community, and the vast Siberian wilderness. Your next chapter begins in the forest. One case, 23 kg maximum. No visits.
GENTLE PAWS
A certified therapy dog service providing professional canine-assisted emotional support across the UK. Based in Swindon. Our dogs are selected for their calming presence, their therapeutic intensity, and the sort of eye contact that makes you re-evaluate your entire life.
AMBULANCE CHASERS & SONS
A full-service law firm with offices in Woking and the Eastern District of Virginia. No case too small. No sentence too long.
GWUSRP
A joint DEFRA initiative. Now operational in select postcodes. Complaints in all of them. Wildebeest available on application.
BARRY
Doncaster, 1986. A man with a phone, a Yellow Pages, and a list of every radiation monitoring laboratory in Europe. His mam wants him off the phone.
VITAL FUR CO.
The world's first living-harvest fur company. Free-range bears, pain-free harvesting, and a lifetime care commitment. Certified carbon neutral. From bear to wardrobe in 48 hours. Aurora has given 23 times. She has never once shown reluctance.
BOB
A builder from Yorkshire answers a phone call he should not have answered. A washer costs 35p. A digger sinks into the earth, and a woman waits for a phone call that will never come.
JOEL 2.0 — RELEASE NOTES
Comprehensive release notes for the second major version of Joel. Covers breaking changes, deprecated features (knees, metabolism), known issues, and the EULA you agreed to by scrolling this far.