Privacy policy

The Government Wildebeest Urban and Suburban Relocation Programme (GWUSRP) is committed to protecting your personal data. This privacy policy explains how we use your information, who we share it with, and why we know more about your tea-making habits than you might expect.

What data we collect

• Your name, address, and property details (standard)
• Your garden dimensions, fence height, and an assessment of your lawn quality (operational)
• Your preferred hot beverage and preparation method (this is not optional)
• The contents of your browsing history on GOV.UK wildlife services (to determine whether you are “researching alternatives”)
• Your reaction to receiving this privacy policy (the Department collects analytics on how far people read before giving up)

How long we keep your data

• Standard data: 25 years
• Tea preferences: indefinitely (the Department has found this information “surprisingly useful”)
• Application photographs: retained until the wildebeest has completed Phase 3 integration, plus 5 years
• Browsing history: 7 years, or until you stop looking at the Giraffe High-Rise Housing Project page, whichever is longer

Who we share your data with

• DEFRA (obviously)
• The Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Wildebeest
• The Meerkat Surveillance Programme (only if your postcode falls within an active surveillance zone)
• Channel 5 (as per the terms and conditions you agreed to, or will agree to, or should have read before agreeing to)
• Your wildebeest (the wildebeest has a right to know who it is living with)

Your rights

You have the right to request a copy of your data. Please allow 28 days for processing. The Department will provide your data in a sealed envelope delivered by Royal Mail, because “the meerkats have been reading the emails.”